OPINION: Welcome to Rosengard’s week

Monday 7:30 am 

“How many photos do you think I’ve got on my phone?’” I ask my client Johnnie over breakfast at Claridges.

“50?”

“Higher!” I said.

“500?”

“A lot higher!”

“5000!!!?”

“You’re not even close!”

“Ok, I give up! How many?”

I show him my phone.

“125,423!!!!? That’s incredible!” he says.

“But only half are selfies!” I say.

I’m reading The Book of Humility at home. I’ve had it for 20 years. I’m still on page one.

Monday 7pm 

Dinner at my local Maida Vale Italian restaurant.

I tell Goldsobel about my new ‘How  to Avoid Alzheimers by Riding a Vespa Scooter around London’ theory.

I bought a red one in my mid 60s and now I never use my Defender Landrover car which is permanently parked outside my house -I’m thinking of renting it out as an Airbnb.

“On a Vespa – as your  brain is working thousands  of times a second  more quickly than usual – as all the time you’re watching out for children running across the road. Old people coming out from behind a bus, the car in front turning right without signalling! You’ll never get Alzheimers!”

“What do you  think of my theory Goldsobel?”

“I can’t hear you,” he said. He’s forgotten his hearing aid.

Peter Rosengard

Tuesday morning 8am 

I’m a life insurance salesman and over a scrambled eggs breakfast I sell Charlie, my young lawyer guest the ‘you don’t have to die to get paid… you only have to die a little bit life insurance!” It’s rather popular. I’ve discovered people prefer to die a little bit – rather than 100 percent.

10:30 am 

I’m on a WhatsApp video call to Stockholm talking to Birgitta (the 25 year old blonde Swedish daughter of my pal ‘Stockholm Steve’), while I’m waiting for him to come out of the bathroom to the phone.

‘Birgitta, I’ve been a life insurance salesman for 55 years!  I  know what you’re thinking… it is unusual  for a 3 year old boy to become a salesman.’

She looks straight at me – a puzzled expression on her face.

‘You cannot be a salesman when you are three.’ she says.

I love the Swedes! I’ve got another book at home – The Swedish Book of Humour – it’s a very thin book.

Wednesday 9.30 am 

Breakfast at Claridge’s

‘You know who’s behind you?’ my client Freddy says as we walk out of the foyer.

‘No .. who? I ask .

‘Seinfeld!’  he whispers.

As I walk  back to my table I stop by and say ‘Welcome to London Jerry!’

I decide not to try to sell him life insurance; instead I tell him I founded the Comedy Store in London ‘to get away from the glamour of being a life insurance salesman.’

“Jerry, I once met Larry (Larry David, his Seinfeld co-creator) at the Regency Hotel  in NY at breakfast. I told him about my NY cousin who had just discovered his Chinese wife had been a Red Guard in Chairman Mao’s time. That was like suddenly discovering you’re married to someone who’d once been a Nazi!”

“Have a good day Peter,” Jerry said and carried on eating his scrambled egg.

Thursday 7pm 

I walk into a restaurant off Wigmore Street. “Good evening! I need a table for two where I can sit with my back to the wall  – so I can see the entire room – for security reasons.’ I tell the manager- ‘my security detail outside need to be able to see me.’

‘OK, No problem at all.’ he said.

I always get the table I want against the wall  – although as far as I know nobody has recently tried assassinating a life insurance Salesman- but you  can’t be too careful.

Friday morning 

I make another WhatsApp video call to Stockholm Steve.

Birgitta answers again. “He’s in the bathroom, again.” Birgitta said. “He’ll be here in a minute.”

“Birgitta – did you know my daughter Lily is Scottish, Jewish, Chinese, Canadian?”

She looks at me.

“That’s funny, you don’t look Chinese,” she said.

“I’m the  Scottish Jewish bit,” I say.

Friday 3 pm 

I have a colonoscopy in Harley St; whenever I’ve got a spare half hour I pop in for one.

“I’ve got the No.1 colonoscopy man in London!’” I tell people.

Have you ever met a Jew who says ‘I’ve got the No.5 best cardiologist!’? Or ‘the No.2 best oncologist’?

Afterwards I tell the doctor about my ‘Ride a Vespa to ward off Alzheimer’s Theory.’

“What do you think of it!?” I ask him.

“Hmm… interesting,” he says.

“The only problem with it Peter, is that by riding a scooter around town you probably won’t live long enough to even begin to get Alzheimer’s, as the chances of you getting knocked off and killed are far greater!”

“Hmm… I hadn’t thought of that,” I said.

• Peter Rosengard, life insurance salesman and Comedy Store founder.